So retail sucks.

There’s a strange psychological phenomenon which causes people to leave their brains at the door when they enter the store. It’s like the act of entering a store and taking on the role of a customer halves your IQ. Customers are dumb, is what I’m trying to say. People are great, but Customers are awful. I’ve seen it happen time and time again. Extremely smart people become mumbling fools when they enter a store. It’s very odd.

To document these strange occurrences (and to vent my frustrations) I used to tweet out #RulesForCustomers. Mostly I needed to vent.

Here are some of my rules.

  • Don’t leave your kids alone. I am not your babysitter.
  • If you’re waiting in line for something, pay attention. Don’t hold up the queue because you’re day dreaming.
  • Learn to take no for an answer.
  • Don’t wink at me. It’s creepy.
  • Don’t mistake good customer service for friendship. Store staff are not your friends, they are paid to be nice to you. It’s their job.
  • When using EFTPOS, don’t ask me to input your PIN for you. It’s extremely unsafe and freaks me out a bit.
  • I am not your personal shopper. Pick things out on your own.
  • Don’t tell me how hot it is. I can feel how hot is on my own. I don’t need to be reminded.
  • Conversely, don’t tell me how great the weather outside is when I’m stuck inside working. I can’t go outside and enjoy this great weather. Don’t rub it in.
  • If you need glasses then wear glasses. Don’t come in squinting and asking me to read everything for you.
  • Don’t tease me by taking put the perfect amount of change, then putting it away and handing me a $50 note.
  • In fact, just avoid $50 notes all together. Use exact change, or as close to it as possible. Shops don’t exist to give you change.
  • If it takes you ten minutes to get a card out of your wallet, then you need a new wallet.
  • I am not Wikipedia. I don’t know everything. Don’t ask me random questions, search for the answers on your own.
  • Don’t carry around bells that jingle every time you take a step.
  • Don’t yell in public. Other people have no interest in what you’re saying. You are not that important.
  • Don’t abuse me if we run out of stock you were hoping to buy. It’s not my fault that a lot of people came in before you. You should have come in earlier.
  • If you mess things up, tidy them up before you leave. Don’t make a mess then walk away.
  • If the sign says we are all out of newspapers, then we are all out of newspapers. Asking me if we have any papers will not make extra newspapers magically appear out of nowhere.
  • If I’m handing you change, keep your fingers together otherwise the coins will fall through your fingers onto the counter. This one should be common sense!
  • Get off the phone when I’m serving you. Either take the call first, then shop, or shop first and take the call later.
  • Don’t whistle. Just don’t.
  • Wash your god damn hands! Seriously, it takes 30 seconds to wash your hands. If you stink, have a shower, but if you don’t smell but your hands are dirty, the least you can do is show me some respect and wash your f’in hands. Seriously.

And for good measure, here’s a list of names you are not allowed to call me.

  • My love
  • Honey
  • Darling
  • Pet
  • Sunshine
  • Champ
  • Champion
  • Squire
  • Sport
  • Young man
  • Tiger
  • Cheeky
  • Oh Great One

Actually I didn’t mind that last one.


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